I was coming back from Edjmiatsin when it occurred to me 'that's the road'... and the curb... and the store. The black fingers clenched my heart and wouldn't let go. I could be wrong - could've been any other place but probably wasn't as the photos from the article were burnt in my mind as if I saw it yesterday. I wasn't looking for the place. I wasn't looking to find myself on that road - it was a last moment decision to stop by at Edjmiatsin church on the way back.
Then I remembered - I lit up a candle for his rest but when I was on the way out the wind had blown it out. It was not supposed to happen and I was not supposed to light the candle up. I lit it up again. I didn't pray for I had no words and nothing to ask for - I did it because it's something everybody does and it's just a... common habit?
It was a good day when I saw him last. We were hanging out at the usual place, joking, drinking and smoking. As always when it was time to part ways we said "well it's not the last time we see each other. will probably do it again before you go back to the States. But whatever happens we will "unconditionally" meet again the next time - here in Armenia or we will come to visit you in Ohio". I knew it was the last time... for that visit as it was my last day but how could I know...
40 days... so many things have happened in everybody else's lives and people got the ability of smiling and laughing again. To me it seems that I've been running away from the closure. Running away from all that has happened and just trying to live my life and pretend that everything is fine. I don't want this closure. Not now not ever. I still wake up and hope that it was just a bad dream and it's not true.
This trip has been so wonderful - so many new impressions and experiences, new and old friendships, and endless stories. But not for a second have I forgotten or fooled myself as far as what this trip was about.
